Christopher David Rosales




CHRISTOPHER david rosales




From: Jug N Run Security and Surveillance Audio


Clerk: Sir?

Male Customer: (Groaning)

Female Customer: What’s with him?

Clerk: He won’t move. He just stands there. Think he’s one of them?

Female Customer: He’s moving now.

Clerk: Toward you, Ma’am. Get out of there.

Female Customer: Oh my god. Stop him. Don’t you keep a gun behind that counter?

Clerk: Why would I have a gun?

Female Customer: (Screaming) Oh my god. Stop him. Help me. Stop him.

Male Customer: (Groaning)

Clerk: It looks like he’s just, he’s just trying to hold on to you.

Female Customer: I don’t care. I don’t care. Call the cops.

From: Cuisine, “TV-Host’s Career Jumps from Frying Pan to Fire”


[…] when, days following the show’s taping, many members of the studio-audience complained of indigestion progressing into gastrointestinal distress.

It turns out that the host of the show, Bitchin’ Kitchen, Miguel DeLores, well-known for his popular cookbook, The Good Grocer, did not suffer any illness. The pre-cooked dish that he ate, removed from the oven for the camera’s eye, contained a different batch of beef tartar than that given to the audience during the taping—that beef has since been recalled.

Reports from central-valley California are still unclear as to the cause of the tainted beef, but reports are as clear as a camera lens on the state of Miguel DeLores’ career. Because he purchased directly from a ranching cohort with which he had connections, and no other cases have been reported, sponsors have backed out and the show has been cancelled as more and more audience-members’ families come forward to report rare active-catatonic states and stranger and stranger behavior from their […]

From: The San Francisco Chronicle, “Ranchers Prodded by Health Officials”


[…] is the principal reason ranchers are restricted from prodding cows into the chute of the abattoir. Cows suffering from the disease, which eats at their nervous system, lose motor function and will eventually stand still as stones. But cattle-prods can work to force movement into cows in the early stages of the disease, something ranchers hard-up for money may be tempted to try in this economy’s downturn. Several ranches are under investigation in the central-valley of California, and beef recalls are in place for the following distributors […]

From: The Nation’s Seamus, Editorial


[…] it here first: the disease once known as Mad Cow is now known as Mad Man. A certain source at Flying W Ranch came forward and reported that the investigations have been turned over from the FDA to the FBI. Coincidence? I think not. This is just one more instance in the right-wing government’s attempts to cover up the truth by reporting nothing but lies and misdirection on their national news services and networks.

My exclusive source tells me that an entire herd is standing stock-still on their hooves, and will have to be put down. But what’s even more frightening news is that the FBI aren’t just wearing cowboy hats—no, in hospitals from Long Beach to San Francisco FBI agents have been spotted wearing nurse’s scrubs, too. “Why?” you ask.

Remember the tainted meat fed to the audience on CuisineTV’s Bitchin’ Kitchen? Studio-audience members have been hospitalized ever since. There are reports of relatively normal brain function, but low motor control. For fear of contagion, they’re all being “cared for” at the same hospital, says a statement from the Surgeon General. But Google-maps images show us that the hospital is little more than a ranch itself. A large temporary structure fills a desolate plot near 29-Palms U.S. Marine Corps base in Palm Springs.

Ain’t that America?

Home, home on the range. Where the deer and the infested graze. Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, from the right-wing-corporate-media […]

From: U.S. Marine Corps form EE279, Incident Report


[…] October 9th at 0600 hours, I, Lance Corporal Batista, was ordered to oversee Private-First Class Bowman and Private Forcythe in the transportation of the ill civilians from Fresno to the quarantine site in Palm Springs.

It was impossible to file the civilians onto the vehicle because they refused to lie down on any gurneys, but when standing they refused to move. For several hours the three of us tried to load them onto the vehicle. Private First Class Bowman fired several shots from his M-16A2 service-rifle into the air, but the civilians did not seem to hear—these were the shots reported to the local police. The shots did draw the attention of a man driving a horse-trailer past.

The horses inside panicked. After parking his trailer and tending his horses, the man approached us carrying a long baton in his right hand. Expecting an attack, I proceeded as ordered to halt his approach without lowering my weapon.

He explained that he had already seen the frozen figures of the civilians in a sloppy rank and file outside the vehicle, and said that the long baton would help. He instructed Private First Class Bowman in how to use the tool, and oversaw the herding of the civilians into the cargo area. The civilians groaned in their chests when they were shocked by the prod, but otherwise seemed to feel no pain.

They moved in short choppy steps up the gangplank. Only once, when one balding civilian male of approximately 200 pounds froze at the top of the gangplank, did Private First Class Bowman taunt him and prod his right buttock several times. The male civilian turned his head and snarled. His teeth were clean and white. His eyes had tears in them.

We succeeded in transporting them to the quarantine site by 1900 hours, where we herded them by the same method, down the gangplank, and into […]

From: The Daily Constitution Broadcast


[…] long can they possibly expect our honest, tax-paying American citizens to fund the pots and cots of a minority herd of the brainless?

We now know they’re not contagious, so what’s Big Government doing shacking them up? On top of that, they’re breeding. We need to pull the plug on these supposed mercy camps and call them what they really are—moral sugar-pills for the toe-tag liberals trying to use one incident as the first domino falling for massive costly reform.

Let’s go to Richard, in Petaluma. Rich, what do you think about […]

From: Quarantine Site, U.S. Marine Corps Security and Surveillance Audio


Guard 1: Wait, wait, one’s moving.

Guard 2: I wouldn’t call that moving.

Guard 1: Swaying, then.

Guard 2: Closer to that smaller one. The girl. You’ve been on leave since this started, ain’t you?

Guard 1: What do you mean?

Guard 2: They move when they need things. Food, for one. Other things. You hear they cut the funds? Chances are, we’re back in Okinawa by Christmas.

Guard 1: He’s real close to her now. What’s he going to do, you think?

Guard 2: You ought to be living proof by now that you don’t need a brain to fuck. Got a cigarette?

Guard 1: Here. Man, he’s real close now. She’s a little one.

Guard 2: Got a light?

Guard 1: Here.

Guard 2: Give it here, your hand’s shaking like a stripper’s ass.

From Cuisine, “Former Host Wins the Most on TV’s Chef’s Challenge


[…] all about improvisation. It’s an art, what we do in the kitchen. And you must consider the season, the ingredients native to a region, all while trying to do something interesting.

Interviewer: Do you feel America has given you a second chance? Has America truly forgiven you for what happened at your show’s taping?

DeLores: There is not a doubt in my mind that I owe my career to America. We are a country that forgives, that understands that people are people. I don’t think I would have won Chef’s Challenge if that weren’t true.

Interviewer: It was a bold move. A bold move. Tell us what inspired the Cavesini dish.

DeLores: It’s easy to forget that California is, in its way, Mediterranean. So the dish was inspired by a traditional lamb’s head stew popular in Spain. With such a young industry as the one we have growing now in California, I wanted to pay homage to the struggles I’ve faced and the struggles the industry will continue to face. But that, again, is this country’s unique ability to adapt to any challenge. And to recognize an opportunity when it’s there.

Interviewer: And for those of us out here who have been hesitant, who are less gastronomically experimental, what kind of wine do you recommend we pair with brain?

DeLores: Oh, a Cab-Sav. A Chardonnay. Anything really. The human brain is as adaptable as its spirit. Uw




Christopher David Rosales’ fiction has appeared in anthologies, journals, and magazines in the U.S. and abroad. His novel is forthcoming this summer from Mixer Publishing, and in 2010, Silence the Bird, Silence the Keeper won the HSF/McNamara Family Creative Arts Grant. Previously, he won the Center of the American West’s award for fiction three years in a row, and was a finalist for the Faulkner-Wisdom Award. He is a PhD candidate at University of Denver, and is the Fiction Editor for SpringGun Press. Follow him on Twitter or email him.